Amy

Long time since I posted, I know. Oops. I just haven't felt the need to air out all my dirty laundry lately. I can't complain about anything, but I've been living in a rut of mediocrity lately also. I haven't been doing anything to further my life acting-wise, and it's getting a little ridiculous. I've lived here too long now to have any good excuses. Work is fine... I'm classroom training, which is fine. A little extra money and I get my perfect schedule as far as my other shifts. Cocktailing is still good and still good money as far as that particular restaurant goes. Lord knows I need it. There have been talks of bartender training me but I'm not holding my breath. I'm hopeful but not expectant.

Going to Florida to visit the fam in January... I'm excited, both because I haven't seen them in forever and because I don't have to go to Indiana during winter. It's a double blessing. I can't wait to see my sister!

No Christmas plans right now and because I'm lame I haven't decided what to do for my birthday either. Yeah, I suck. It's in 2 weeks and I don't know what to do. I have to work that day so I'm thinking maybe I'll have something on the following Monday evening. It should be easier for me and the people I work with too.

Something feels off right now. I'm not sure what it is...

At least it cooled down around here. I couldn't stand much more of that, especially since I exercise outside. Getting heatstroke really isn't worth it. It's a pleasant 85 right now and I love love love it. Perfect.

Yeah, something still feels off. I don't know. I've been feeling kinda sickly this week and I don't know why I'm having problems. It makes me nervous. I don't want to have to deal with health stuff right now.

Still haven't found an apartment. Still don't know if we qualify for free last month's rent. Still haven't put in our 30 days. *Sigh*

I close cocktail again tonight for the 3rd time in 3 days, and I close again tomorrow. Thank God I open on Sunday. I love it, and it's great money, but it's amazing how much it'll wear you out physically and mentally. Oh well...

Oh, they asked me to be a server trainer. I think I start sitting in on training next week. That's pretty cool and also, more money. Can't hurt right now!

I'm tired. Cocktailing is good money, but it wears my ass out. Oh well. Tonight was particularly hellish but it's over now and I don't feel like talking about it. I feel too tired to talk about a lot of things lately, particularly if they happen to be serious. I don't feel like being serious right now. It weighs me down. Yes, that may be foolish. Oh well.

Sent a birthday message of goodwill. No response. I guess I could have expected that, but it doesn't matter. I didn't do anything wrong, so if I try to reach out and forgive someone and it's not accepted, then I can't do much.

There are boys in my life right now. I'm not too hung up on any of them... that seems alright to me. I worry less about how I appear to people when I don't feel like something hangs in the balance. They're fun, they're cute, nothing serious is happening yet... it's all good. Of course I keep those requisite crushes on those who I cannot have.... it is me, after all. Only interested in a good challenge. God forbid someone actually show interest and pursue ME. That's not exciting.

At least it means free food and new people to hang out with. Is that horrible to say?

...why do I bother?

I might be in trouble.

This one seems like he might be someone worth catching. It's a little early to tell yet but all signs are positive so far. He has a good steady job in business. He's ambitious and motivated. He works out every day. He's smart, but he also does contemporary oil painting as a hobby and almost went to culinary school. He's from the Midwest, he has manners, and he likes his house to be clean. I think I'm in heaven.

Hopefully this goes well.

things are okay... despite the fact that i have to move and wasn't planning on it. yeah, it sucks, but it is inescapable now.

i have at least three official cocktailing shifts a week now. i got my ASS KICKED tonight but i handled it so well and i was so proud of myself. val, our best cocktailer, who gave me the shifts, told me how impressed she was. i know it sounds lame, but it makes me feel good to do well in cocktail. the fact that i can handle having 15 tables at once makes me really happy. it also means much better money for me.

a guy customer at work who was actually not *gasp* old OR disgusting (!) got my number. he's actually really cute... seems nice... has a REAL job... and is asking me on a REAL date. about fucking time. we'll see how that goes. the drummer from phoenix was supposed to be in town this weekend and we were gonna go to Disneyland but they ended up not being able to make the trip. oh well. he's so cute but musicians are trouble.

my roommate returns tomorrow night... and then, let the apartment search commence. good times. now that i have accepted it, i'm honestly a little excited. change is always good for me. jolts me out of my rut and gets me going again, you know?


p.s. i have INCREDIBLE friends.

sometimes i stay out all night.

sometimes i feel like i'm in college now because i didn't party when i actually was.

sometimes i feel like i should be more serious than this.

and then i don't give a shit.

i just found out another pair of my friends from back home is engaged. i guess i'm happy for them. i'm more sad for myself because i'm horrible and selfish. i don't want to be engaged. i do want to be loved.

but....my friends love me, and that'll last the longest anyway.

it's 3 am and i just left my friends....but somehow i'm already lonely.

*sigh*.

what to do...

I feel that I should begin a blog about my dealings with the men of LA because it's getting a little ridiculous. I could be the next big blogger, yo. Or not... because I think every girl here has the same crappy experiences.

The latest? My friend invited her friend out with us last night - he's really cute but she told us before we met him that he has a girlfriend (back in Iowa). So we go out, he's getting pretty drunk, and he is allllll over me. I have to claim a little responsibility because I wasn't really drunk but still - he was groping me, he had me sit on his lap, he was just generally all up in my grill. We ended up staying out pretty late and he asked her if he could crash on her couch. Her apartment is dirty and he ends up crashing on MY couch. We all know where that probably could have led... but I couldn't. I felt way too bad about the whole situation. I could have been that long-distance girlfriend, you know? So...when he tried making the moves, I patted his head, gave him a blankie, told him to go to bed, and went back to my room.

If any of you have any inkling of how sexually frustrated I've been lately...and how cute the guy was...you will be very proud of me. Haha. I'm a little disappointed in myself that I even considered it, but the good thing is that I didn't do a damn thing.

P.S. I love Big Wang's. The men there are always DELICIOUS! It's so much better than staying around fucking Burbank.

So... I just found out that my ex is moving to Georgia with his new girlfriend. We've been broken up almost a year... I really don't talk to him anymore and I don't think about him nearly as much as I used to. I know I would never date him again and that everything worked out for the best. Somehow it still makes me upset to know that he's moving there. Maybe it's because he wouldn't move to California with me, but obviously it wasn't just the distance. Maybe it's because I really have no idea what is going on with him anymore. I don't know. Either way, I'm sort of upset by it. That combined with the fact that multiple men were jerks to me yesterday makes me feel a little despondent about the dating situation. I hate it. I'm a good person and I don't do anything to deserve crappy treatment, so screw them. *sigh*

Ok, I've realized what the real obstacle is with these guys: they're all ASSHOLES. :-(

Good night.

I could vent about several things right now, but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings who might read this and I simply don't have time anyway. I'm about to jet off to the pool to drink and chill in my big sunglasses. I'm SOOOOO L.A. Ha.

Instead, a brief boy vent - I keep stacking up this pile of boys who have dating potential... there's just always one big obstacle. The latest: I met a boy out on Sunset, he's adorable, he's a drummer in a band... I think, well, he's probably a douche bag anyway. My friends and I went to his band's show the next night and ended up hanging out with all of them until 6 am. They were so much fun - such cool guys. Go figure. The catch? They are based out of Phoenix. Of course they are.

To be continued...

Last night was my first Metal Skool experience. For those of you who aren't from LA, Metal Skool is an 80s hair band cover band (got that?) that plays every Monday on the Sunset Strip. It's a very well-known show and I always hear about how great it is. A bunch of people from work went last night because our friend Jason's band D'Amato opened for Metal Skool.

I had a lot of fun at first...we got there early, Jason's band was good, there were enough cute boys around, I was wearing a hot outfit and we all looked adorable. Then the actual Metal Skool action started. I generally avoid the "Hollywood scene" but this whole club turned into exactly what I hate about LA. Suddenly there were cameramen everywhere hassling girls to show their tits. A lot of them did, and I'm sure a lot of them expected they would be. Some of them didn't want to and the cameramen bothered them and cut them down. The whole time, all the other people in the club are just staring at the big screens overhead to catch glimpses of bare boobs.

This didn't bother some of the people I was with. Luckily, it bothered some of them enough. I found it creepy and disturbing and besides that, it was the most crowded club situation i have EVER been in. I thought I wasn't going to be able to get out of there. People were literally packed in like sardines. I was smashed up against a railing the whole time. The sad thing to me was that when we told our other girlfriends we were leaving they didn't understand. I can't explain in entirety how totally disturbing the whole thing was, but when Metal Skool came out and had girls up on stage and was telling them sexual things to do to each other I really had to leave.

And then women wonder why society objectifies us as sex objects after they behave that way.

I'm sure some people will think I'm being uptight. I have no problem with expressing your sexuality and having fun...but it wasn't like that. There were literally people grabbing at girls' shirts who didn't want to show anything and trying to pull them off. It looked like group molestation with a bunch of voyeurs all around. I never want to go there again.

haha. nice.

i use my actual writing journal to say anything of substance, really. i should probably get rid of this thing. it's more of a venting tool than anything lately. stupid.

but i'm also fucking awesome. i'm sorry, but i'm sick of men not realizing this about me. when am i gonna meet someone who is worth a second of my time? seriously...fuck that. i am so sick of pussy-ass, pathetic, passive men. grow a pair. the end.

awww man...a trip to Florida for 3 days did not help my physical being. mmm jetlag...sooo sleepy....

it was a great trip though. :-)

seriously? why does the status of everything in my life change on a day-to-day basis? i think i'm schizophrenic.

Happy - it's summer, it's blazing hot, and I love it... as long as I get to go to the beach once in a while. I'm working a lot because I feel like I'm always broke. That happens to be the downside of my life lately. Anyway, there are ways to make more money. I'm resourceful. I get to go to Tampa in a week to see my family, which I didn't think was going to happen - so I'm also quite excited about that. It's a short trip but honestly, how much longer could I really spend with them? 4 days sounds about right. My dad bought the ticket for me or else I could never have gone - so thanks Dad.

Boys - this new boy likes me and has actually been pursuing it as of Sunday...so it's a new thing but it's a nice feeling. He's cute, but he's also funny and intelligent, which are much rarer qualities in men out here. We'll see. I am starting to wonder if I even have time for a boy right now, because we keep trying to hang out and it keeps not happening. What can I say? I'm busy and important...or something. I still have lingering feelings for a couple boys who are basically off the radar now, but I can't do anything about them so I try and ignore it. You know me, always wanting what I can't/shouldn't have.

Life - not too bad.

It's so interesting to go through poetry I wrote months ago and see how everything differs and/or stays the same.

Human nature and expression is a crazy thing, isn't it?

ha. hahahaha.

i am such a fucking PIMP.

:-)

good night.